The Humorously Dark Side Of Online Dating as a Plus-Sized Woman

Each time the door opened and a whoosh of wind came through the door, I looked up. Anxiously, I sat waiting and nervously checking my phone. Although it was just a few minutes, the time felt like it was dragging on. I looked up as he casually strode in. Confident. We made eye contact, and then I waited. And waited. This is where I started second guessing myself. Were my photos full body enough? Was I trying to hide anything? Or was he just disappointed? He was there for 3 hours and never approached me. My first in-place public rejection. Man did it suck.

“You have one new match.”

When that alert pops up on your phone, do you feel hopeful, excited, giddy, or downright dread? I’ve felt all these emotions before, and still to this day, almost ten years later, I still feel nervous when I get that notification. I was 19, taking a year off from college, in a new city when my brother encouraged me to create a dating profile on OkCupid. Here we are now in 2020, and what an adventure it has been. On most days, I unlock my phone and scroll three pages over to my “dating” folder, and check for new notifications. Dating in the real world is hard, but online dating as a plus-size woman in today’s society is a whole different ballgame.

There are so many unspoken rules when creating your profile. Don’t edit your photos too much—you don’t want to be accused of being a catfish. Make sure to be witty in your bios because remember, you have to make up for your physical appearance. Be sexy, but not too sexy—you don’t want to look like a whore. I feel like I have to make up for my appearance with good jokes, and a solid ice breaker. Now, there are a variety of different people that you will come across on these dating apps.

The Horndogs:

These individuals can be found on any of the popular apps not just Tinder. The type that won’t ask me out for a public date but will want to screw me at 2am And if you choose to refuse those sexual advances, you may get something along the lines of:

“I think you need a man to pin you down and f***k you the way you need to be ;)”

You’ll likely encounter someone like this:

“I’m in the shower with your pictures. I wasn’t saying we should hook up. I could just look at you.”

Let me tell you, these guys are looking to fulfill some weird teacher-student fantasy:

“You’re a sexy teacher, and I would love to pound you so hard.”

No matter how confident I may feel in a picture, I still feel vulnerable, and experience pure fear when I click the ‘upload new photo’ button. Am I showing of my body to show that I’m not hiding anything? Along with the overtly sexual men, there’s another group I should tell you about.

The Body Shamers

I look back at these messages, and remember how truly broken and unworthy I felt back then. It seems as if some people’s sole purpose in life is to destroy others. I could be having a really good day, feelin’ myself, dare I say it—even feel sexy, but comments like these send me reeling still to this day. I stumbled on this man’s profile, and we shared similar taste in movies, so I sent him a message. I was not expecting his response:

“Hey! I’m not trying to be super mean but you are really need to start losing weight! You are HUGE and it’s not good for your health. People don’t even like looking in your direction I bet…Don’t try talking to a skinny person with an athletic body like me either because you’re way bigger. Never gonna happen.”

What doctor MD over here doesn’t realize is that I work out 6 times a week, i’m pushing myself harder than I ever have before. Although there a lot of messages like that, the weird ones are the ones that make me chuckle the most.

The Randoms

“Bark. I’m your master. Tell me you’re my slave. My dirty little secret.”

Picture this: an older man, mid 50’s, could be my dad, asking:

“Do you want to come over and play after school?”

You have the folks who are honest and upfront about what they’re looking for:

“Only in town for the night and looking to get some Uber Eats and get my face rode for the night.”

I appreciate the honesty buddy. I’m not here to kink shame anyone, but to the guy who wanted to be a human doormat at my girl’s night, I hope you’re doing great. Every time, I open one of my dating apps to see a new message alert, I wonder what I’m going to receive this time.

“Open to letting someone use those big jugs to catch two weeks worth of cream?”

YIKES.

The Honorable Mentions

Here are some of my absolute favorite messages I’ve received over almost 10 years of online dating.

“I wish a pretty lady like you would sit on my face until I suffocate.”

“Hey you down to give head in the Fred Meyer’s parking lot?”

“I bet big mama needs a pounding.”

“Girl I would have you in a wheelchair.”

“You look like you can suck a d**k really really well.”

“Love how curvy you are…would love to let you sit on my face so I can eat you.”

“I’d show you who’s boss.”

One afternoon, when I expressed to this man that I wouldn’t be meeting him half way between our locations for a little sexual rendezvous, he said:

“Well you’re very very fat. You look like the Michelin man.”

Okay buddy, my size didn’t seem to bother you when you were discussing, in detail, what you wanted to do to me. Rejection really seems to get these men’s feathers ruffled. Can’t forget the 50 year old man that asked if I was interested in older men, and when I politely declined his advances he said:

“You really can’t afford to be too picky, but what ever.”

I’m sure that others’ have had completely different experiences than mine with online dating, but of course, I can only speak on my own personal experiences. Although that glimpse into #jordansdatinglife may have terrified you, download that app anyways. Everyone deserves a shot at love. Cheers to that!

Written By: Jordan Edwards

Twitter: Jordan_bookwarm

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