That time I emailed a Priest to Exorcise my home
I love Halloween, it is absolutely my favorite holiday. I knew I wanted to write a Halloween inspired story to force-feed you people, but what would it be? I have plenty of stories about my drunk antics in sexy nurse costumes, but that’s boring. I also have plenty of stories about TPing my enemies, but a bit outdated now. No, it needed to be something riveting, some real hard hitting shit. After 2 hours of sipping a cold tea in Pret I finally had my lightbulb moment. I’m going to tell you a story that will certainly make you think I am an absolute psychopath, more than you perhaps already do. This is the time I convinced my housemate and myself that we were being followed about by a Demon.
First let me preface this story with a few justifications for this slightly overdramatic episode. I was living back and forth between rural Oregon and LA at the time, both of those environments are enough to cause a woman to go a bit off the rails as it is. I was flying back and forth every 2 weeks, sleep was nonexistent and any free time I had was claimed by a 6 pack of Coronas, not a good place to start.
My housemate at the time, Melisa, shared the same interests as me at that point in time. Those interests in rural Oregon contained driving down a back road in the middle of nowhere to listen to horror podcasts at 2am. Really, that was the extent of our extracurricular activities. No wonder I was seeing demons.
This whole fucked up mish-mash started one Autumn night when Mel casually let it slip that she had been feeling this weird cold draft and the door to her bedroom swinging open at night. Well that was odd, I’ve been experiencing the same thing. A few nights prior I had heard something smacking on my bedroom window. This conversation led us down a 3 hour hole, recounting every strange incident over the last few months and coming to the only likely conclusion; Demons.
I remember looking up and meeting her eyes and immediately uttering “do you wanna get out of the house?” She replied with a very quick “fuck yes” and we were out the door. Now, for two people that exclusively only listened to horror podcasts at the time we still didn’t really have any idea what to do. The only options that came to my mind were;
Burn the fucking house down. (Can’t do that, it’s the only house we have)
Immediately pack up and move (again, not viable, only one house here and LA is far)
Panic (we were already doing that)
Thankfully, in the midst of our panic I realized that we did have somewhere to go, we have friends! Now, I’m a pretty ‘Out there’ kinda gal, so when I call my friends up to say “hey bud! There’s a demon infestation in my suburban home! Can we come crash on your couch tonight?” I was met with an alarmingly few questions. Off we went, Chinese food in tow for a hopefully demon-less sleepover.
On the way out the door I was calling everyone I could think of for their take on this matter.
My boyfriend at the time was probably ready to just dump me right there on the phone, his sound advice being “you’re imagining things.”
My dad was humored, laughed me off and told me to just tell it to go away.
However, my very catholic mother had the best advice “I dont know, maybe call a priest?”
YES!! A PRIEST! How have I not already considered that? I’ve seen all the exorcist movies! So obviously once arriving to my very patient friends home, I immediately googled the local priest in this town. One click later and I had his phone number.
The next string of events went a little like this;
Yes! Yes! Call the priest!
Okay priest didn’t answer, that’s right it’s 1am
Ok ok, email the priest? Yes! It’s 2016! Email the priest!
Forget house is haunted, fall asleep and forget you emailed a priest at 1am.
The email contained too much personal info, such as current addresses and real names. Here’s the heading.
The next few days, full of placebo and fear, were just as chaotic. Every bump sent us over the edge until we ended up crawling through Walmart at midnight like a pair of superstitious tweakers buying sage and those candles with Jesus on them. A quick sage of the house, a couple “fuck off ghost!” Chants and at least 47 Hail Marys later, we were not any closer to feeling better but I digress.
It wasn’t until 2 weeks later when I was back in LA that I had finally forgotten the whole palava. In fact, it was quite funny to me now, how weird was that week back home? I need to stop eating sugar before bed, were my only thoughts. That was until I was sitting at my desk on a bright sunny day and received a call from an Oregon number I didnt immediately recognize.
I picked up the phone to “Hello this is Blankety blank from the church of blankety blank, I just read your email, is this Lukas?”
It hit me like a ton of bricks, I had actually contacted a priest to exorcise my home at 1am after a few beers, this was the newest low for me. The second newest low would be when I sat on the phone for the next ten minutes with this priest apologizing, and claiming I would go to Sunday services from now on, which was a lie, I lied to a priest.
Unfortunately, I dont have any updates or conclusions to this story. As far as I know, we were never really haunted, so the house is fine. I really want to drive the point home that this is not a real haunting recounting, this was simply a case of ‘We are very bored, do not sleep often and have large imaginations’.
I hope you enjoyed this strange little story, proving that my dramatics can at the very least provide me with mediocre content for you.
Story isn’t mean to be taken seriously, not making fun of any religions or anyone who suffers from ‘Demons’.